Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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