Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
