omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
