I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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