nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
