Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
