I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
