I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
