Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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