Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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