Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
