My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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