Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
smell my finger.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
