That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
