Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
