his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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