Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
