plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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