"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lo siento on account of my penis...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
