eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
