Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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