If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
