when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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