it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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