My girlfriend figured out who you are.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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