I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
