i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
