well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
