Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
