She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
