I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
