my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
