end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
