I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
