what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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