I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
