His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
