No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
