She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
