did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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