also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
