Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
