im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
