3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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