So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
