you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I need to calm my uterus...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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