I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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