I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
As shirtless as possible
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
