who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
