I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
