Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
