we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
