So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
